Category Archives: Jokes

I Saved $4.5 Billion

I was going to buy a Nimitz class aircraft carrier today, but instead I bought lunch at Rubio’s.

And to be totally honest, I would rather have a burrito from Rubio’s even if an aircraft carrier was the same price.

I’m a saving machine… I just saved $4,500,000,000 and I didn’t even have to switch to GEICO!

My Citizenship Is For Sale

I know it’s rather unpatriotic to sell my citizenship to any country who gives me the lowest income tax rate, but well… it’s all good. I did a little (very little) research and found places like Russia have a 13% flat income tax rate (no wonder they can’t afford to launch their Soyuz). :)

Hopefully if I move my business and servers to another country, if it would be considered US income tax if I didn’t actually *work* while in the US… I could just live here as a permanent tourist. {shrug}

Anyway, if you are a representative of a country, you may place a bid here in comments, but please be advised it’s not a legally binding bid until I receive the notarized version (see below).

To the countries bidding:

  • Please remember that it’s an excellent investment, as I should be able to generate a good income tax revenue stream for you over the course of my lifetime.
  • While I can’t promise anything, I’m pretty smart, so I might do something cool like win a Nobel Peace Prize or perfect cold fusion (which would bring notoriety to your country).
  • Upon request, I can offer a few years of my US income tax records so you can make an educated bid.
  • I don’t really care if I have the right to vote (if it’s allowed in your country).
  • Please don’t bid on my citizenship if you are just looking for soldiers for your army or community service workers. I’m not going to do any sort of government assigned job.
  • All bids must be notarized with an original signature of your respective leader (president, prime minister, supreme overlord, etc.)
  • I will consider inter-planetary citizenship at my sole discretion, but please keep in mind that bids from countries outside of Earth are not legally binding.

White And Nerdy

I have to thank my old roommate Tracy for this… she apparently thinks of me whenever she hears this song. haha Great.

The RIAA/MPAA should take a note here… I never heard of this song until Tracy told me to go find it on YouTube… and I just purchased the whole album via iTunes Music Store because of it. I would have never gone to the store to buy it, but one-click purchasing of the album makes it easy. Now if you could just do this with DVDs, I would buy/watch more. And I guarantee I don’t have a unique viewpoint.

Update

Hahahaha… speaking of which, I’ve been listening to the album and just heard “Don’t Download This Song”, which you can download for free over here.

Lyrics

Once in a while
Maybe you will feel the urge.
To break into national copyright law
By downloading mp3s
From file sharing sites
Like morphous or grogster or limewire or kazza.
But deep in your Heart.
You know the guilt would drive you mad
And the shame would leave a permanent scar
Cause you start out stealing songs
Then you’re robbing liquor stores
And selling Crack
And running over school kids with your car

[Chorus]
So Don’t Download This Song
The record store is where you belong
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don’t Download This Song

Oh you don’t want to mess
With the R I Double A
They’ll sue you if you burn that Cdr.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a grandma
Or a seven year old girl
They’ll treat you like the evil Hard-bitten criminal scum you are

[Chorus]
So Don’t Download This Song (don’t go)
Pirating music all day long
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should
Oh Don’t Download This Song

Don’t take away money
From artists just like me
How else can I afford another solid gold Hum V
And diamond studded swimming pools
These things don’t grow on trees
So all I ask is everybody Pleaseeeeee

[Chorus]
Don’t Download This Song (Don’t do it No No)
Even Lars Urlich Know it’s wrong (You could just ask him)
Go and buy the CD like you know that you should (You Really Should)
Oh Don’t Download This Song

Don’t Download This Song (Oh please don’t you do it or you)
Might Wind up in Jail like Tommy Chong (Remember Tommy)
Go and buy the CD (Right Now) like you know that you should (Go out and Buy it)
Oh Don’t Download This Song.

Don’t Download This Song (No no no no no no)
Or you’ll burn in hell before to long (And you deserve it)
Go and buy the CD (Just buy it) like you know that you should (You should get it)

Oakland Raiders Find White Substance On Field

Old news now, but maybe someone didn’t catch it…

Associated Press (9/15/2006, 8:30 AM PST)

OAKLAND, (CA)–Oakland Raiders football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Art Shell immediately suspended practice and called the police and federal investigators. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the GOAL LINE. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.

(via Chris)

I’m Really An Indian Now

So I’ve been wearing this Indian dress pajama thing for a few days now, and I’m starting to feel more and more Indian… so I took another picture so you guys can tell me what you think. :)

Actually it was Photoshopped (hah, really??) by a couple of Digital Point users, but it turned out rather funny I think. :)

Note: I just posted this while driving 70mph on the freeway. I don’t recommend… not safe, and very hard.
Update

I didn’t know Indian girls were such babes… I think maybe I’ll be moving to New Delhi now.

I Figured Out Where My Car Is

Okay, so you know how my car got stolen a few weeks ago? I just had an epiphany and realized what really happened to it…

The MPAA/Universal Studios hired someone to steal my car. They didn’t do it because just want to annoy me or because they thought it had anything cool in it (which it didn’t… except for my sunglasses). Nope… the real reason is they want to see if I would lie to my insurance company to try and claim I had other stuff in it which I didn’t, then have my car magically turn up with whatever stuff they were hoping I would claim not there. Then they could somehow use that against me to show my “bad character”. :)

Disclaimer

In case you are brain-dead, this is a JOKE by the way. As much as I would *love* for it to somehow be true (man that would be hilarious), I don’t REALLY think the MPAA stole my car. :)

So everyone reading this can just take your panties out of a bunch… this is a work of fiction out of my overly active imagination, and as far as I know has no truth at all to it.

Oh… speaking of my car, it looks like it’s going to be around 7 weeks before I have a replacement. I had to put in a special order to get the exact one I had before (color and options), so they have to build it especially for me. Lame.

Making Kids Cry

I saw this a couple weeks ago and forgot to post it on my blog, so a little late is better than never I suppose. :)

What a nice dad… make your kid cry (and probably crap his pants) and videotape it for your viewing pleasure. haha